my beloved brother

It's taken me a little time to be ready to blog about my brother, but I need to do it. He's been in many dreams and I miss him so much already. My brother, James Christopher Molloy, was the greatest guy. He always had a huge smile on his face and was such a pleasure to be around. Our relationship was always a bit complicated when I was growing up and I never really knew what to make of him. I was 6 when I first realized I had any siblings. I always knew of them, but thought they were just teenagers who came around to play with me. When I was 6 my sister moved in with us and my brothers soon followed. I think that in reality how it started is that Jim never really knew what to make of me. I was 12 years younger than him and I lived in a home with a mom and a dad that was functional and stable and I also had lots of quality time with my dad. Jim had come off of many years of not knowing what to think of my dad, because of a messy divorce and living with him mom. As early as 7 he gave me a hard time... he'd hide my stuffed animals (eh hem.. Fluffy) and really I think he kind of steered clear of me for a while. And then it was forced upon him. My parents worked long hours and traveled a lot. When I was 10 or so I spent a week or two with him, but I don't really remember interacting with him much beyond having him drop me off at summer camp. Then when I was in 7th grade, my parents basically were living split lives. They had to get a condo further south ,closer to Mass, so they could have a place to stay for all of the business meetings. I lived with Jim for several months M-F and then for the whole week when they were traveling. My parents had a wonderful empty condo stocked with food and lots of heat, but for some reason he always wanted to stay in his (COLD) condo, which meant that I had to stay there too (away from my wonderful 12 year old bedroom). Every 3 weeks or so we stayed at my house for a night I think, but it was rough. We never talked, he'd ask me once a day if I'd eaten dinner and I was usually afraid to tell him no, because I knew he'd then get flustered trying to figure out what I could eat. He was only 24 and taking care of a kid wasn't something he'd done all that much. For a couple of months I slept on the couch, but I guess I got in the way (he had roommates).. I'm sure it was hard for them to have to be quiet all of the time.. so I got moved up to the attic. This is a place I will NEVER forget. I literally had mice crawling through my covers and the light switch was connected to the outlet, so I had to sleep with the light on, so my alarm clock could stay plugged in and I could wake up for school. I told this story once and someone laughed and said... "uhm hello.. Jim was an electrician he could have rewired it", but it just never even dawned on me to tell him. One very fond memory from that time (and a cold memory) was one night when there was no heat. I can't remember why.. maybe it was the first night I ever stayed with him and he wasn't sure where to put me yet. But I remember sleeping in his bed with him and it was FREEZING. Jim always loved a cold room though regardless. I remember falling asleep to REM.. Automatic for the People I think.

As the years passed we started to get a bit closer. That began just a year later when my parents got called away for a meeting at the last minute. I went out one night and had a 9:30 curfew and when I got home around 8:30 my parents were gone and Jim and my sister were there. I was all bent out of shape over a boy making me sad and Jim came in the bathroom with me to comfort me. He did most.. no all.. of the talking and I just remember him saying how we hadn't gotten to know each other that well and he was sorry that he hadn't made more of an effort and that he was going to try harder going forward. I most remember him calling it "a round about conversation". And he did keep his word. He did make more of an effort.. slowly, but he did in fact. That summer he took me to see Phish, which was my first show without my parents. When I'd go to visit after he got married and once I was driving we'd laugh together and talk about tv.. Food network, Six Feet Under.. he always loved to discuss the shows he was watching. When I was a senior in high school and literally forbidden to go back home, because I'd had parties and my parents sent me to stay with Jim, he was awesome and honestly I think he felt bad for me and thought it was a bit funny, because my 3 other siblings had had so many more parties than I had and never got busted... but they had 3 of them to clean up and 2 of them were guys, so what happened to my house would not have happened had they been there (12 years before :)

It really wasn't until Jim was going through his divorce that we started talking. I mean really talking and our 1.5 hour phone conversations didn't start to happen until my dad passed away. I once said to Jim "thank you for getting divorced" and I didn't mean it the way it sounded, but truly I felt like we were getting him back. Part of the reason I didn't talk to him much prior was because when he was married he spent very little time with us. He and his family would come up for dinner and then leave. He wouldn't venture out without them, so it felt very separate. So, when he got divorced he was with us for holidays, and he stayed over and we spent so much more time together and created so many more memories. After my dad passed away he would call me weekly and check in. I loved my conversations with Jim.. he was very rational and so diplomatic. I always felt like I could go to him and he'd help neutralize my emotion and help me get some perspective. I love his laugh. Just a week or so before he died I deleted a voice mail he had left me last fall... "Yeah, Yeah.. tell Jeff I know the JETS suck". They'd just lost a game and it was too funny. Jim was a die hard JETS fan. I am hoping to get his JETS license plate, but already have a hat and a shirt of his.

It was not his time to pass. It was extremely unexpected and my mom found him in his bed. It gives me some peace to know that he looked peaceful in his bed and he didn't suffer at all in his death. He was suffering greatly in life since the divorce and I wish that I could have done more to help him, but none of us could do more than talk to him often and we didn't realize how turmoiled he was. In the end we know his heart was enlarged and he was trying to create himself a happy life again.

With the Halloween season quickly approaching it forces me to continue to think of one of my best times with him. On Halloween of 2005, my brother called me and asked if I'd meet him in New Market, NH and see a show at the Old Stone Church. He had been getting into this new singer Grace Potter and wanted me to go with him. It was awesome. Grace Potter (who is now getting big!) was fantastic and mostly everyone was dressed up. Even though he was in so much emotional pain (it was just months after his separation) he was trying to so hard to move forward and evolve. We stayed in a hotel and had so much fun together. The next day he left super early and said he hadn't slept at all, but he still smiled when he left and went to work.

My brother Mike called me the other day and said he had been thinking of Jim and I together, because the CD Jim last had in his car had Grace Potter on it. It made him think of that concert we went to.

My brother Jim was and always will be one hell of a guy. He loved his kids and was such a good dad. He went to all of Lukey's games and practices for hockey and Jim loved hockey. It made his so proud that Lucas is so good at it and loves it. He was an awesome best friend and such a pleasure to be around. He was a hard worker and had such an amazing spirit. Everyone was in shock when he passed, but we all still managed to celebrate his life. Another memory that I will NEVER forget is the day before his burial. We had a day in between the wake and the burial, so all of the CT friends decided to take a cooler full of beer, grateful dead on a boom box and some food down to the the river beach near my parents house. We built a fire and just hung out for hours. Keith, Jim's best friend in the whole world and also a landscaper went around and got all of these little pine trees "Jimmy Trees" and housed them in cut beer cans, so we could take them home and plant them. As sad as this is, my tree is still living in his can. I don't know where to plant him and I've wondered where. I think Jeff and I did find a place and I will plant him this week.

I love you Jim and your memory will live on FOREVER.