spring revelations... what's next?

I find myself feeling many things lately... some of them include hopeful, cheerful, and happy. Yet, for the first time in a very long time and maybe ever, I have feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, doubt, wondering who I am and what my place is and it started to occur to me the other day where some of it stems from. It's really great... every time I find myself in these positions I can just blame society.

For instance, after college I found myself struggling with the "next part" not happening as planned. We're raised (as girls especially) to go to school, then college, get a job, find the man, get married and have babies. So there I was living in Boston out of college, 22/23 years old and there a'int no man! I wondered what was wrong with me and why it was taking so long. I'd done everything in the right order and this was something I couldn't really control. I was living in a city I'd been in for 5 years and it was like a foreign land. Everyone I knew aside from a few friends had fled off to their new jet setter lives and careers. All of a sudden there was no longer keg parties and 20 something guys looking for a lay and no commitment. Now, every where I went I met baby factories and had to look for wedding rings. It was like the twilight zone in a matter of months. Naturally when my best friend and roommate got a job in NY threatening to leave me behind I couldn't stay. I fled, scared to be alone and went "home" to my parents where the "get a job", "exercise" and "stop going to the bar every night" notes appeared on my bed within a matter of a week.

So... I find myself blaming society yet again. Ok society.. I DID IT. I graduated from kindergarten, 8th grade, high school and college (ok, so I don't have a MBA yet, but maybe someday). I went on eharmony I found my man (a really good one btw), we bought a house, got married and had a baby. We did it all in the right order (sort of if living together is considered socially acceptable. My catholic gram didn't think so), but now I realize ... "now what?" I've spent my whole life working toward the next thing. As a child you constantly hear, "you have the whole world ahead of you... go get it!" So now I wonder "where's the big world?". I know it's there, opportunities are everywhere and I've certainly never been accused of being something other than a go getter, yet, it's so easy to become paralyzed. And once again I feel like people around me are facilitating the "what next" by the natural question....... "when are you guys having another baby?" While we're waffling over this question and it may happen, I find myself realizing that the reason to do it is not because it's the natural what's next.

I think a lot of it stems from being a master multi-tasker and having a hand in so many different things that I never feel a master at anything really. At 29 I feel out of the loop to what hip 20 somethings should know and be in the know. Do I really have time to twitter? I haven't written in my blog since January. Do I have the time to try and use every socal networking tool to get people to my etsy shop? Do I have the time to sit down and replenish my shop? Do I have to have an existence beyond being "Kelsey's mom" if that's when I'm happiest? Do I have to be in the know in order to stay in the game? I do have to work... How many questions should I have to ask myself in one day before I have the answer?

So.... what's next?

I'm not sure. I'm trying to enjoy every day and find a balance and figure out my purpose right now. One thing I am sure of is that chasing after your almost 2 year old while she tries to get puddles and knowing that you make her whole world is the most amazing feeling in the world and wow does that give you a sense of purpose. I'll take it!