spring revelations... what's next?

I find myself feeling many things lately... some of them include hopeful, cheerful, and happy. Yet, for the first time in a very long time and maybe ever, I have feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, doubt, wondering who I am and what my place is and it started to occur to me the other day where some of it stems from. It's really great... every time I find myself in these positions I can just blame society.

For instance, after college I found myself struggling with the "next part" not happening as planned. We're raised (as girls especially) to go to school, then college, get a job, find the man, get married and have babies. So there I was living in Boston out of college, 22/23 years old and there a'int no man! I wondered what was wrong with me and why it was taking so long. I'd done everything in the right order and this was something I couldn't really control. I was living in a city I'd been in for 5 years and it was like a foreign land. Everyone I knew aside from a few friends had fled off to their new jet setter lives and careers. All of a sudden there was no longer keg parties and 20 something guys looking for a lay and no commitment. Now, every where I went I met baby factories and had to look for wedding rings. It was like the twilight zone in a matter of months. Naturally when my best friend and roommate got a job in NY threatening to leave me behind I couldn't stay. I fled, scared to be alone and went "home" to my parents where the "get a job", "exercise" and "stop going to the bar every night" notes appeared on my bed within a matter of a week.

So... I find myself blaming society yet again. Ok society.. I DID IT. I graduated from kindergarten, 8th grade, high school and college (ok, so I don't have a MBA yet, but maybe someday). I went on eharmony I found my man (a really good one btw), we bought a house, got married and had a baby. We did it all in the right order (sort of if living together is considered socially acceptable. My catholic gram didn't think so), but now I realize ... "now what?" I've spent my whole life working toward the next thing. As a child you constantly hear, "you have the whole world ahead of you... go get it!" So now I wonder "where's the big world?". I know it's there, opportunities are everywhere and I've certainly never been accused of being something other than a go getter, yet, it's so easy to become paralyzed. And once again I feel like people around me are facilitating the "what next" by the natural question....... "when are you guys having another baby?" While we're waffling over this question and it may happen, I find myself realizing that the reason to do it is not because it's the natural what's next.

I think a lot of it stems from being a master multi-tasker and having a hand in so many different things that I never feel a master at anything really. At 29 I feel out of the loop to what hip 20 somethings should know and be in the know. Do I really have time to twitter? I haven't written in my blog since January. Do I have the time to try and use every socal networking tool to get people to my etsy shop? Do I have the time to sit down and replenish my shop? Do I have to have an existence beyond being "Kelsey's mom" if that's when I'm happiest? Do I have to be in the know in order to stay in the game? I do have to work... How many questions should I have to ask myself in one day before I have the answer?

So.... what's next?

I'm not sure. I'm trying to enjoy every day and find a balance and figure out my purpose right now. One thing I am sure of is that chasing after your almost 2 year old while she tries to get puddles and knowing that you make her whole world is the most amazing feeling in the world and wow does that give you a sense of purpose. I'll take it!

Another day

We had a very busy few days. Kelsey and I went down to Mass for girl's weekend. It was fantastic. There were of us girls and two babies. We all fit in my van to go out and about.. shopping, sushi, sightseeing. It was so needed and a great time. I'll get pics up in the next few days.

Yesterday was the Built Energy Forum at the Augusta Civic Center. What a success! I am so proud to have been apart of such an event and even more honored I get to put it on my resume. We had such talented speakers and the Governor of Maine, John Baldacci came to speak. We would have been happy with 100 attendees and got over 250! I tihnk we ad 275 people in the room during the talks. It was so inspiring. So hopefully that room full of people will figure out how we can all have more efficient, green homes without the $4500 mortgage for 1800 sq ft!

Today we are cleaning the house and trying to clean up the tornado that hit inside. So far so good and lots of work to do to close out the event. I love watching Kelsey play and dance. She has a baby doll that she hugs and loves and "ma" (kisses) now. In the past week or so, but they are pretty inseperable. As I type she hands me baby who is now on my shoulder for a burp. Oh here comes grandbabydoll number two and a Kelsey to hug the mama. "ahhhhh mama" she says.

I love the love.

Thank you for the hard plastic piggy Kels.

must share recipes

Kelsey and I went to play group today and our friend Liz has the best recipes for pretzels and play doh!

here is the pretzel recipe:

Ingredients:

3 1/2 cups flour (I use bread flour and never seem to get that last half cup in the dough)
4 Tablespoons Brown Sugar

2 teaspoons salt
1 Tablespoon Yeast dissolved in one cup warm (not hot) water


Baking Soda wash: is 1 Tablespoon Baking Soda dissolved in one cup boiling water
Egg Wash: 1 Egg and 1 teaspoon water
Kosher Salt

Directions:
Mix Brown sugar, salt and yeast together. Add flour
I use a big mixer with a bread attachment and I believe that a foodprcessor would make quick work of it, too.

Put this in a bowl (I put a light coating of olive oil on the dough) and cover it in plastic wrap. Keep out (not in fridge) overnight to let the dough rise. If you were pressed for time you could have it rise on the couter for a couple of hours---but this option makes the dough less easy to roll.

Cut into pieces and roll out. Shape and then brush with the baking soda wash. Brush with the egg wash and then sprinkle salt. Place on greased cookie sheet.

Put into a preheated oven (425) for about 10 minutes or so--until golden brown.


PLAYDOH recipe:

4 Cups flour (I buy the really cheap kind to make the playdoh with) :)
1 cup salt
1/2 Cup Cream of Tartar
Food Coloring
3 or 4 tablepoons of oil
optional:(essential oil scents like lavendar)

Put all ingrediants into a saucepan and start on low....mix really well. Increase the heat some and after a couple of minutes it will start to come together. It is very sloppy at first. Keep stirring until it really starts sticking together. The heat is what is binding it so you might have to turn it up a little...should never boil.

keeps well in a plastic bag.

this and that - 10 thoughts I ponder

#1. I am ready for a REAL vacation. It can even be in this country, but it needs to be kidless, winterless and just the husband and I.

#2. I often find myself wondering how people with many kids fit into small cars.

#3. I just don't understand the big deal about goat cheese. Not to mention I hate the taste, but when and why did it become so trendy.

#4. This is me ready for the new season of American Idol and wondering what happened to David Cook.. why do they drop off the face of the earth afterward?

#5. I've come to realize that it's not important that I send Christmas cards to everyone I always did, but most important to stay in touch with everyone that matters.

#6. Do men add to their daily calendar "be insensitive at least once today or mission failed?"

#7. Girl time really is the key to my sanity or what's left of it.

#8. Little things make me really happy and little things really piss me off... (add to resolution list - work on that)

#9. Watching your child grow every day is the greatest thing that can happen to you.

#10. It never gets easier after loved ones die, it just gets different. But always remember.. you can't get time back.

The beginning of a new year...

Snow themed pictures on a snowy day here in Maine. I guess these pictures represent the overall feeling I'd like to have at the end of 2009. I am ready for some calm, peace, drama free and trauma free time. While I know I am lucky as can be and things could always be so much worse, I also know I have to allow myself the ability to take in some of the pain, grief and stress I've had, reflect upon it, be thankful for what I have and move forward. If it were only that easy.

We're all starting our resolutions. Jeff and I each have about 13. I found my myself taking away many of the resolutions that caused me to have to measure a success (or failure) and found myself adding more that caused joy or self improvement. Jeff made a comment about last year's resolutions and how he only finished one. That really sparked something inside of me. I was very passionate about.. "why is that a failure?" "Let's celebrate how much of it you DID complete!" He had resolutions such as read 10 books or earn $10K at his second job at domino's. While he didn't complete either, he was close and they motivated him. I think that in all the years I knew Jeff before that he'd read maybe 10 books combined, so 6 or 8 in one year was great for him. And he loves challenges, so pushing himself to be extra nice and extra helpful to his customers was a great character booster (now we just have to work on the general public realizing they should tip their pizza delivery guys and that it's not all built in!) I realized that it's not silly to have resolutions such as take a bath twice a month, or go on a family vacation and if it just can't happen in '09 (I'm in 3 weddings this year!), to have it planned in '09 and ready for 2010.

The economy is a downturn as we all know. Mainers are always ahead of the game in saving I'd say.. the state motto should be "scrimp and save". While I admire it ,I don't adhere to it as much as most, but I certainly heed the warning. Having gone through a bankruptcy as a kid I know what it's like to have a lot and then have nothing and I know how to not spend. I find myself planning a lunch with my friends and hearing others say they are on such a tight budget these days they may not be able to go. I pause a moment and wonder if I should be as strict. Should I be like my brother and sister in law and have a budget that runs straight through next December. Frankly, NO. I can't do it. It's not me. And when we are really in a tight place I get resourceful. Rolling change, selling things we don't need, conserving food. Sure ok. I can admit it probably adds some unneeded stress. And don't get me wrong.. I do save and I don't spend frivolously, but we certainly aren't saving 3 months worth of bills just in case as Dave Ramsey suggests. Believe me, I wish I had $10K in my checking account plus everything else in my investments, but we live day to day and try not to touch the investments. Anyway, my point is that as hard as the economy is and how scary everything is right now, we're still ok and I'm certainly sitting tight and not doing anything major, but I realize that $10 at lunch is going to buy me memories that I'll always have and some time with my friends that my inner soul needs right now.

What I learned more than anything in 2008 is we can't get time back. Some become paralyzed by grief and loss and life continues to go on around them and they miss... a lot. Life won't stop. Death won't stop. Tragedy won't stop. But our ability to move forward, and create memories can continue. I've never lived my life with regrets, but I would regret having something else happen to another one of the people I love the most or even myself and not have the hugs, kisses and all the things that need to be said be said.

I find myself at a place of reflection and calm, yet also at a place of such turmoil. So here's to 12 months from now resulting in a piece of mind reflective of snowy afternoons and hot chocolate with marshmallows.

And the winner is...

I just realized I should probably post about the winning logo for www.midcoastmagnet.com's logo design contest.

We had over 60 submissions and probably over 100 designs, as some of those submissions were concepts.

We are so proud to announce Joan Hantz as the winner! She did a great job and Joan's design embodied exactly what the board was looking for! As the board sat at the table discussing this design kept coming back to the discussion and we kept seeing uses for it such as conference tickets and street banners and hanging name tags. It was clean, simple and complimented Juice like we had asked, but it also provided a funtional design that could be incorporated into event branding.

The contest was sponsored by Paolina's Way of Camden, Maine. Thank you Christina Sidoti for your generous donation. Check out Paolina's! They have awesome Italian fod and a great atmosphere! They are also hosting the new Midcoast Lounge Project!

Windsor Street Design Associates, Inc. (WSDA) is a full-service graphic design studio that solves business-communication problems. WSDA started as Joan Hantz Design in Rochester, New York in 1981. Businesses and not-for-profits flocked to Joan, who offered fresh ideas and an easy manner. As workload and reputation grew, other talented designers were hired. In 1990, the team moved into a spacious Victorian house on Windsor Street in the city’s fashionable East End. Today, located in Maine, the studio continues to serve as a hotbed of creativity, strategy, and a wide range of graphic designs for businesses and not-for-profit organizations alike.

I have been really horrible with keeping my blog updated. It just hasn't been a priority.. not that I exactly have loyal readers, but the few that I do have.. I'm sorry. I know some of you enjoy my ramblings.

I've been super busy with work. Feels weird to call it that, but it's true. And I've actually found myself referring to them as clients lately...wow.. that's almost a bit too adult and professional. Kind of crazy that my big, bad, and expensive BU business degree might be paying off ...AND I only have $250 on my student loans left I just discovered.. that's a big woot woot.

So winter in Maine is officially here. We got hammered with 18 inches yesterday. It looks nice outside and luckily I don't ever really have to leave unless I want to.. damnit! These pics are from the dusting that lasted about 8 hours a few weeks ago. I didn't get outside to get pics today. Almost seemed kind of silly to take pics this year because the storm from last year was so incredible and today didn't even compare. Here's last years..So Christmas is only 3 days away.. that's crazy! I am so excited to head to NY and then NH. I can't wait to see Gram and can't believe it's been since May. I just have to lessen those gaps of time as sadly she's not getting younger, but I love how well she's doing. It makes me so happy.

This picture was from that light dusting mentioned above. The first day Kelsey got all bundled up. We were walking down to the stop sign at the end of our road which is also Julia's bus stop. A house down the road is having lots of work done and she was just memorized by the bulldozer (I think that's what heavy piece of equipment it was.. but maybe a front loader).

I think it's so funny that my husband loves the "Soup" (on now as I write) and even more amusing that he's now the second guy I know that watches it. The first however will gladly take Metro status and Jeff on the other hand would not be proud of that. But who says you have to be Metro to watch some guy make fun of Lindsay, Tyra and Heff's girlfriends.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Stay Safe.